The Central Problem in Marriage
Marriage | Written By: Dinah Wade
One early morning in my first-grade year, Miss Opal asked us to bow our heads and close our eyes in prayer to start the day. After the brief prayer, I quickly raised my hand and accusingly said, “Miss Opal, Johnny did not close his eyes for the prayer.” There was a long pause. I was on tip toe hoping for Johnny to get ‘what for,’ as I often did regarding my two older brothers at home. Miss Opal looked at me very kindly with a gleam in her eye and asked, “How do you know, Dinah?” What a masterful and loving question. It was just what I needed in that moment, but not what I wanted to hear.
It reminds me of the first question in scripture which was also toward wayward children in Genesis 3 when God asks Adam and Eve, “Where are you?” God could have scolded, ignored, or glared at His children, but instead He chose to hope and lovingly engage their hearts for more.
May I ask you a question that has been on my mind and heart for a while. What is wrong with our marriages? What is in the way to the wonder of oneness that the God of our Bible longs for us to experience which sadly seems beyond our reach and may even seem an absurdity?
When author G.K. Chesterton read in The Times of London the question, “What is wrong in the world today?” he replied in response, “I am.” However, when Danny and I went to marriage counseling years ago, I knew what the problem was in our marriage and it was not, “I am” it was “He is.” Sounds like the little first grader I introduced you to earlier, doesn’t it? So naturally I have a great deal of compassion for those who enter my office seeking marriage counseling. The hurts and misunderstandings are deep and not easily untangled and resolved behind our accusations of not being loved well. What are we to do?
Could self-righteousness be a big part of the problem? Saint Augustine described mankind as turned inward, “incurvatus in se.” We tend to focus on ourselves, our needs, our hurts and then we focus on our mate who may not be cooperating with our agenda. A husband may like things neat and tidy, therefore, he may be tempted to look down on his wife whose strengths are in other areas. A wife may love to read and possibly look down on her husband who does not. “I would never leave a wet towel on the carpet.” “I would never waste my time on television when I could read a book and be productive.” “He’s so angry.” “She is so sensitive.”
In Luke 18:9-14 Jesus tells a parable that may give us some insight,
“to certain ones who trusted in themselves that they were righteous and viewed others with contempt. Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee, and the other a tax-gatherer. The Pharisee stood and was praying to himself, ‘God, I thank you that I am not like the other people; swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax-gatherer. I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.’ But the tax-gatherer, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven, but was beating his breast saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner.’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself shall be humbled, but he who humbles himself shall be exalted.’
Author Frederick Buechner writes
‘“All have sinned.” (Romans 3:23)…which is another way of saying… all are human…We all labor and are heavy laden under the burden of being human or at least of being on the way, we hope, to be more human. The distances between the inner world of each of us are greater in their way than the distances between the outer worlds of interstellar space, but in another way, the worlds of all of us are also the same worlds. An occasional bad night, not feeling well…The same old face in the mirror day after day. An empty feeling in the pit of the stomach…We are all of us in it together….”
Remember the two wayward children in the Garden of Eden mentioned before? We are all in this together. We, like these our first parents, are afraid of admitting our weakness, our own part in the demise of things. We hide behind our own fig leaves of self-protection and point the finger, like them we hide and blame. The way out for them and for that little first grader is to confess, “I was wrong.” Professor and author Dan Allender says that those 3 words are the key to oneness. Owning the log in our own eye may soften our spouse to own the speck in theirs. (Matthew 7:1-5) Then there is a possibility to get to what could be underneath all of this warfare.
For instance, why does one spouse get angry at being unappreciated and the other hurt at not being heard? Can you be curious rather than critical of these tender places in your spouse? Maybe your spouse was a compliant and helpful child to a parent who was self-absorbed in their own pain, so your spouse as a child has a wound of not being appreciated. Maybe your spouse was abused by a neighbor as a child and your spouse’s parents never heard or believed your spouse’s cries as a child. You have a holy opportunity to be a part of appreciating and hearing your spouse, of healing old wounds in order for your spouse to learn to walk in freedom from the past, giving your spouse a taste of God’s love and pointing him or her to Him which is healing, by the way, to your own soul to participate in such love.
That kind of relating would be a start on the long journey of oneness, of knowing and being known. After all, we are all human and bearing the burden of living in a fallen world, as Buechner said, so we can see that our spouse is much like us, reacting and responding in ways that are hurtful and in desperate need of transformative conversation, relating, and repentance.
I still struggle with looking at what others are doing wrongly and Danny has been a large part of my letting that go more and more. He has endured my pointing finger and been one to ask me questions kindly with a gleam in his eye like Miss Opal, to show me that I am loved even when I hide and blame, so I am safe to come out of the bushes to own my part and share with him what hurt I am hiding behind my pointing finger. He knows the story of my childhood in which things felt a bit out of control, so I have a tendency to want to control. That is not ok now as an adult and my job Is to own that wrong when it occurs. I have been able to grieve for that hurt in my childhood and have learned even to have a bit of compassion for myself, but I am on the journey of repenting of the “childish” (Galations 5) way I learned to cope. I am working on being more vulnerable with others because Jesus and some dear people in my life have loved me well. Will you join me in learning to be curious and caring about your spouse and not assuming that there is something wrong with them or that they don’t love you? I believe that your spouse is like you with a world of hurt, confusion, and rebellion. What if they need you to partner with them to be a part of the process, beginning to understand and transform their pain and pride, the ingredients that may be driving their hurtful patterns of relating? I believe that you were made for this, because you are in His image and this is who He is. It is the hardest and most fulfilling act of courage and kindness in which you can participate on behalf of your spouse.
The first step is to ask God to open your heart to this work, to move and to guide. Secondly, ask to see and turn from “the log in your own eye.” Finally, be open to a new way of relating with risk, vulnerability, and strength in the hope of Christ’s call and for the oneness you were created for that only Christ can ultimately provide.